Moving to Rat Orgy? Here’s Everything You Need to Know
There's a library here, which is cool. But all the pages are chewed up.
Livability recently named Boise as the #1 Best Place to Live in America, which Saturday Night Live pointed out this weekend, adding that the worst city title went to “Rat Orgy, Delaware.”
Frequently named the #1 Worst Place to Live in America, Rat Orgy is a small city with a lot to offer — if you’re into large and sexually adventurous groups of vermin or any number of rodent-borne diseases previously thought to be eradicated.
Pondering a move to Rat Orgy? Here’s all the info you need about this up-and-coming city and why it might be the perfect place for you.
In This Article
1. A Cost of Living As Low As the Quality of Life
One of the only things Rat Orgy has going for it is an extremely affordable cost of living. Home prices here range from a few bucks for a nicely-appointed nest of scavenged insulation and shredded Zaxby’s napkins to around $10k for a deteriorating one-bedroom condo.
2. A Novel Political System
Rat Orgy eschews a typical mayoral system in favor of a monarchy. A Rat King is elected on a lifetime term, and, well, there’s no other way to say this: this guy is an absolute unit. Two-hundred pounds of fur and scars and charisma and political savvy.
3. Job Opportunities
Rat Orgy was once a thriving manufacturing city, specializing in fidget spinners, “Live Strong” bracelets and those little plastic things people used to put on their fingers to help them turn book pages. Unfortunately, none of these commodities had the staying power needed to stabilize the economy. The Rat King has promised to bring jobs back to the area, but so far his efforts have fizzled due to a dwindling work force and pollution so severe the state of Delaware has threatened to condemn the entire city.
4. An Emerging Tech Scene
Mostly malware, but still.
5. A Rapidly Rotating Roster of Breweries and Restaurants
Many of Rat Orgy’s decrepit downtown storefronts have been transformed by young residents into hip breweries and restaurants. Sadly, these establishments tend to get shut down within a week of opening when the health inspector comes in and is like, “Wow there are so many rats in here.”
6. Transportation and Walkability
You won’t find sidewalks or public transit here, but you will find a sewer system that’s easy to navigate and connects every corner of the city.
7. An Endless List of Things To Do
Rat Orgy boasts frequent community events and festivals for residents and visitors to enjoy. And when we say “frequent” we mean “at least two.” The Rat Orgy Downtown Entertainment Neighborhood Turnout (known to locals as RODENT) celebrates the city’s illustrious history, dismal present and bleak future. Hundreds of local rats challenge the Rat King in a series of physical and mental tests that can’t be missed. There’s also a local jam band and, sometimes, a food truck.
The city also hosts a popular 3-on-3 basketball tournament every April.
8. All Four Seasons
How to describe Rat Orgy’s climate in one word? Smog. But somewhere past the thick layer of pollution that may or may not be turning the human residents into rat-human hybrid monsters, you’ll find the four beautiful seasons New England is known for.